I've been struggling for a little while with what direction I want my blog to go in, I know I want to blog but its been hard to keep up with outfit posts when my day to day outfit consists of sweats covered in yogurt and juice and whatever else my kiddos spill on me. I absolutely love fashion and I love when I have the opportunity to get dressed up, but at this point in my life its just not practical. There is no way I'm going to wear my $200 jeans at home to have them get covered in spilled milk and peanut butter. I will definitely still do outfit posts because I love doing them but I want to blog about my life right now. So for today's post I decided to blog my journey of becoming a mom.
Before becoming a mom I worked full time for Scruples as their brand manager. I also did hair whenever I had a few free hours. I loved it, I covered three states so I was traveling more than I ever had in my whole life, and I really enjoyed it. I loved most of the people I worked with and I got to experience being a career women, I felt very accomplished and proud of myself for having such a grown up job. I learned so much and I'm so grateful for the opportunities that came with that job. I was able to attend trainings to better my skills as a hair dresser, and I also got to work at hair shows with some of the most amazing hair stylists in the world. Don't get me wrong I was stressed out a lot doing that job and it definitely had its hard moments just like every job does, but for the most part I really enjoyed it. It was a hard decision for me to give everything up. I went to cosmetology school and also received my Bachelors degree to be a teacher. That was a lot of hard work and I had an awesome job that paid well. I had so many things running through my mind like do I really give all this up? I finally finished all my schooling and have a career, do I just quit and that's it? What if after I raise my kids I never have the opportunity to have a cool job like this again? What about the money, everyone knows how much I love to shop? There was a lot to think about but in my heart I knew the answer, I knew I was supposed to stay home and raise my sweet twins. I can honestly say I'm so glad that I chose to give up my career and I'm so grateful to my husband for supporting us and allowing me to be able to stay home with my precious babies. (yes I still call them my babies even though they are almost two!)
Once my husband and I made the decision that I would stay home I became so excited for this new adventure. I honestly felt like the adjustment to staying at home with my babies would be a fairly easy transition. Well, the rose-colored glasses came off fairly quickly. Way before the twins were even born, I got put on bed rest, and let me tell you it is not fun. When I first got put on bed rest I was like this will be so awesome I can catch up on movies I have wanted to see, I'll catch up on all the seasons of Pretty Little Liars, but I caught up on those pretty fast, like within the first week. You can only watch so much tv before you start losing your mind. Bed rest was one of the hardest things I have ever done, I know it sounds easy but you just have to lay down and I could only get up to go to the bathroom and grab something to eat real fast. I could only leave the house to go to my doctor appointments and usually I hate going to the doctor, but I really looked forward to those appointments. Sitting in the waiting room being able to people watch and hear real life conversations. The drives to the doctors office were my favorite I became so appreciative of the grass, the trees and the beautiful flowers. I missed the beauty of the blue sky and the sounds of birds chirping. Its crazy when I was constantly going places or driving to work everyday I didn't even really notice my surroundings, but after being inside for a couple of months when I would finally get to go outside my heart would literally smile, I could feel the sunshine literally flowing through my veins and filling them with pure joy and happiness(sounds cheesy I know but its literally how I felt) I really learned to appreciate the little things during those couple of months on bed rest.
One of the hardest things about bed rest is that I was used to always being on the go, I was very active, I loved working out and I was used to being in shape, I had been in shape my entire life. During the first few months of my pregnancy I gained the normal amount of weight which was already hard to see my body changing, but once I was on bed rest that's when I really started to notice the weight gain, I really wanted to eat healthy and perfect but the hard thing was finding foods that actually sounded good and didn't make me puke just thinking about them. Pregnancy was an amazing experience especially feeling the babies move it was such a miracle. Although it was one of the best experiences of my life it was so hard to go through so many body changes, I honestly don't remember one time that I actually felt pretty and I for sure lost my sexy(I'm still trying to bring that back) and that's a hard thing for any woman to through. One thing I was definitely not prepared for was how your body looks right after you deliver, its no longer that cute hard, round pregnant belly. Your literally left with this mushy sagging blob of a stomach, I remember the first time looking in the mirror naked and just crying. In my mind I knew I just gave birth to twins but I couldn't help but think what if my body is stuck like this? What if this was the new me and I was just destined to be flabby? I never knew there could be so many emotions going through me at one time. I was the happiest girl in the world, I had just given birth to two healthy and perfect babies, but at the same time I was freaking out inside because I wanted to be one of those girls who delivered and left the hospital in my pre-pregnancy jeans. I swear all that time I had on bed rest to watch tv and read magazines was not good in the sense that I saw way too many stories of celebrities and models who had babies and bounced back to their old bodies within like eight weeks. I had put so much pressure on myself to get back in shape as fast as they did, I had to constantly remind myself they have personal chefs, and personal trainers, and nanny's. Anyone could get back in shape with all of that help. That wasn't my reality, my reality was what felt like days without sleep and the hours that I was awake was I was either nursing or pumping. There was no time to meal prep and spend hours at the gym like I used to, and for some reason when I would eat really clean my milk supply would drop so much. So I made a decision that my babies health and feeding them breast milk was more important to me than getting back in shape and dieting. Being a mom is the most selfless thing I have ever done, but its also the most rewarding thing I have ever done. Never in my life did I think that my babies would be 20 months old and I still wouldn't fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans, but I'm not giving up I know I will reach my goal of fitting into my old clothes its just taking me a heck of a lot longer than I ever thought it would.
The moral of the story is that becoming a mom has changed me emotionally, physically, and in so many other ways. It has made me into a more loving, caring, and selfless woman and never in my life have I been so happy. I used to let my happiness revolve around having abs and how toned my biceps were, and every once in a while I fall back into that mind set and become depressed and mad at myself that I haven't gotten back in shape yet. But you know what I have so many amazing memories with my family and with my babies, I'm glad that instead of busting my butt at the gym and spending hours there that I stayed home and snuggled my babies for another few hours, because I will never get that time back and they will never be tiny babies again, I'm glad that I chose to cherish every second I could with them. I'm glad that I waited to start my journey of weight loss until now, because now I can go to the gym after they are in bed and I don't have to worry that I will miss out on those amazing memories. I can go to the gym now and just enjoy my workout and enjoy my me time without feeling guilty that I should be home with them. I'm glad that I didn't let the pressure that I originally put on myself take over my life and that I decided it was ok to take my time to get back in shape, because I think in the long run I would have looked back and known that I missed out on precious memories that I could have made. I'm glad that I decided there isn't a time line of when I have to be back in my pre-pregnancy jeans, everyone's body is so different and we shouldn't compare ourselves to other women. I really have a hard time with that one, I find myself comparing my body to other moms and getting mad at myself for not getting in shape as fast as they have, but I'm really trying my hardest to focus on my own journey and be happy with who I am right now. I'm not trying to tell anyone that they shouldn't go to the gym or try and get back in shape as fast as you can, I'm just sharing my journey and what has worked and is working for me.